Timeline for 2021: And you thought 2020 was bad

Talon Cruz, Reporter

After all of the craziness of 2020, I know everyone is hoping for a calmer and more pleasant 2021. Well, I am here to dash those hopes as quickly as possible. After consulting with the most reliable sources I have for making predictions of the coming years (i.e tarot cards, magic eight balls, and Zoltar machines), and we are in for a doozy. So without further ado, this is your year in review for 2021.



As you are aware, Joe Biden won the election and is supposed to be sworn in on the 20th. Unfortunately, Trump refuses to leave the white house and barricades himself, along with several other prominent republicans inside the oval office. Over the next week Trump’s tweets serve as the only insight people have into that room, where videos show the Republicans resorting to cannibalism mere hours after locking the doors and barring the windows. By the time the FBI break in, only Mitch McConnel is still standing, slowly shambling around the room and periodically groaning out the word “Brains.” It seems McConnel was also starving during his time in the office. Meanwhile, in the name of bipartisanship Biden decides that instead of trying to force Trump out of the Oval Office, they will instead construct a second one, right beside it. He dubs the project  White House 2, and it is set to be finished in late September of 2022.



February can best be described in a single sentence: Return of the murder hornets. Bee ready.



If you aren’t aware, a strange monolith has been appearing and disappearing around the world, in strange and remote places without any discernible reason. In March, the monolith appears in your room. Yes, in your own room at the foot of the bed. Don’t worry, it will soon disappear just as quickly as it appeared, but for now just be careful when you’re getting up in the morning.



Finally, the vaccine is distributed and the quarantine lifted. Unfortunately, Covid is the least of our worries this month. The old saying of April showers proves to be a portent of things to come, as a flood of biblical proportions overtakes all of eastern America. It’s a good thing we won’t have to worry about social distancing on the rescue boats.



After the destruction of much of America, Republicans attempt to stage a coup. Leftists also try to stage a coup. Centrists also try to stage a coup. No one actually knows who’s in charge anymore. Biden hasn’t been seen since early March and it is theorized that he is trapped in the monolith that appeared in the middle of the construction of White House 2.



The many coups have all wiped each other out, so now there is peace, for a time. Get outside and enjoy the summer weather while you can! You never know when the next disaster will happen.



The next disaster has happened. Global warming has resulted in the summer heat to rise so significantly that mere minutes of direct sunlight exposure causes a person to burst into flames. We advise that everyone stays inside during this time, as well as that everyone invests in some heavy, nonflammable curtains.



A meteor is spotted heading towards earth. Unfortunately, it passes by without hitting us. Oh god, please put us out of our misery. The murder hornets are the only living being that can tolerate the heat outside. More and more monoliths are appearing around the world. Mitch McConnel recently infected Bernie Sanders with what appears to be a zombie plague. Please, let it end!



September passed without incident.



The true purpose of the monoliths is revealed. They have arrived from beyond the stars, heralded by their beacons searching for a safe home for these strange and beautiful creatures. I welcome them, I love them, I worship them. They shall bring us salvation. They shall deliver us from the horrors of the mortal world. The day of reckoning is at hand! Rejoice, for the world will be purged of the wickedness of our sins! Rejoice!